parasurv's webspace

Bad days

May 27th 2020

Note: this is a very personal post. If you have trouble dealing with emotional stuff, like death, relationship with parents, etc - you might not want to continue.

I have to say the end of May for me is a bitch. My mother died 6 years ago, and around this time, I am getting emotional. If somebody looked at our family from the outside they might think "oh you had a very good relationship with your mother". Even my brothers think like that.

But living that relationship is an entirely different thing. It's true, we had good relationship for most of my younger days, but there were differences and fights later as I was growing up and as an adult. Everyone has that probably.

When my was dying, I took care of her, for months while she didn't let dad in. It was really hard, looking at her, slowly going away both physically and mentally. Fuck cancer btw. This was the third time I had to deal with it (First time was with my grandmother, but then I was away studying. Second time it was me, and I survived).

After my mom's death I had a freaking hard period of my life. Especially when my dad told me some stuff about mom. Like how she cheated on him. But dad stayed with us (well at that point I was the only kid, who was at home).

It's funny how opinions about a person can change even after they are gone. But my personal reason is when I was at my lowest point.

During and after cancer I have lost a lot of weight, which had a really positive impact on my life. I am a really short person, and every little bit counts.

After mom's death, I started eating all kinds of stuff, and almost gained back all that I lost before. It was about 20 kg. I become really heavy again. At one time I felt a pain in my back, my spine, Idk. I needed to do something and I turned to plantbased eating, well vegan.

And then something fleshed before me. You see in February 2012 I saw a video on youtube, titled "Best speech you'll ever see". It was by Gary Yourofsky, a vegan activist. When I watched that I cried. I wanted to be vegan, but I just wanted to try vegetarian. Our household is based on meat though, and my mom can be very aggressive about certain things. It took me 7 days about to talk to her.

At that point, it was 2 years after my cancer treatment and I was recovering nicely. However during treatment my mom and my closest brother always had a fight about how to help me. Both strong characters, and I loved them both, I just stuck in the middle, not wanting to take sides.

So when I had finally had the courage to speak to my mom about vegetarianism, we had the biggest fight. She thought my brother put me up to it, and she said it is expensive and we couldn't offered it. I was shut down so hard that night, that I completely forget that evening for 5 years. My mom died in 2014, and I only started remembering that night in autumn, 2017. I only knew the exact date of the fight, because I wrote a rare diary post in Penzu after it.

I turned vegan in October 2017, remembering my biggest fight with my mother. Funny how our brain works, that we just can shout out memories for so long.

However with the help of my new lifestyle (veganism is not a diet btw), I went back to normal weight and I am feeling pretty good since then.

Fuck mom, and fuck relationships!

And with that raise the glass to TotalBiscuit, who also passed away around this time (on the 24th), and was a great youtuber and a person who I looked up to, despite I didn't agree with him fully. Interestingly the night when he died (well my timezone), I had a rare glass of wine for his memories. He also died due to cancer, and he is the first person I cried after his passing, and not a family member. Life can be really interesting, don't shut down people's experience and people themselfes. Don't be like my mom, be more open.

I should be more open to…

So I will continue to write…

To see where this takes me…

Day 19 of #100DaysToOffload

Sorry for this mess of a post, this is totally unedited. And thanks for being with my crazy me! :)

I also want to apologize to people on mastodon for being rude or just simple a crazy person. I have really no excuse for bad social interaction.